I had lots of dreams last night, but the bit that is freaking me out the most is this. I dont know where i was or and cant remember much else about it, but this guy was trying to kiss me, and my mouth was just paralised, i could feel it, but i couldnt move my mouth, my lips were sealed together! Whats the bloody deal with that!? huh! huh!

Let go back..To year 11!

I'd lost my friends, I hated school, and didnt often go in! Peole knew me as the girl that didnt often show up! I started talking to this girl, charlotte. Was talking to her one night, when vincey shouted up the stairs to me, i hung up and went to see wat was up. My mum and passed out on the stairs, and an amulance was on its way. I had no idea wat was going on, and spent til 2 am in the hospital...i went to school that thrusday at 12, my firends were like..ur shit, only half a day today!? I told them wat had happened and they just let me be. My teachers that thought i was shit questioned my half day, so i told them wat happened and it was if they wanted to hug me! Looking back now, it feels like it was something big, but it didnt seem it at the time.

My mum got out of hospital, she was week, but shes a work-a-holic and got through.

Not to long after, she had a histerectimy. (it might have been b4,....sorry)

My mum got weaker, we lived with it, and it became the norm. We went to the cinema one night, half way thorugh, my mum and step dad left, not long after my step dad walked in and said my mum was in trouble! walked out the cinema, and she was lying on the floor, almost lifeless. my heart dropped, could this be it? was it all oveR?! she regained consciousness, and watned to go to the toilet, shes stuborn...like me! so i took her in there, pretty much carrying her weight, she sat on the toilet, i was talking to her....and then, a fit! she had a fit, i didnt know wat to do, i have this image perfectly clear in my mind, there she was, on a toilet, in the cinema, in woking, having a fit! i called for help! it took wat seemed a life time, but the paramedics came and she fell to the floor...i guess u could say that was the longest night of my lfe?

Things havent been the same since...no one really knows wat is wrong with my mum, she has lost most of the feeling in her hands and feet. She finds it a struggle to walk. she doesnt eat much, but she gets through, and she would stop the world spinning for me, quin and vincey!

I dont know wat is wrong with my mum, nor will i ever know. She has chrons disease, i konw that much, i know thats going to be the death of her. She has travelled most of the world recently, tried to see what she can! some days i think she is going to live forever, some days i think..fucking hell, i cant go visit you in hospital again! she's stubborn like me, and doesnt know when to rest! Shes not on the edge of life...dont get me wrong, things could be worse...but she not healthy, every day i see her in pain, and that kills me! thats why i get home sick! i want to just be here with her, spent every minute here.

People see my mum, and they think shes ok, just old! but she puts on a brave face! seeing someone u love so much, go through so much pain does destroy you!

Right then....This is me...from the 7/8/1985 to now..this is me! So i grew up in lovey pyrford, I couldnt hear much atal, until i guess i was 1 or even 2 when i got gromits. I got the world then! Ive failed at eveything ive ever attempted, but i seem to scrape through eventually! here's my life

In school, I never was happy, I seemed to learn everything last. I went to Oakfield primary school, was considered 'clever'. So i went to Notre Dame Senior School. When i joined they said, you will have to retake year 5, i cant quite remember why!!! i didnt make friends, I talked to the outcasts, they did me fine! I eventualy met a girl, Rebecca Elgar! She only called me up one day cause all her other friends were busy, but we hit it of like a house on fire!!

So..year 6! i had becky, I was..happy? School wasnt easy, I couldnt write very well and went in early to learn handwriting. i continued at Notre Dame for my senior school. I seemed to love it i guess, met some poeple, but it was an al girls school, so very bitchy! When it came to year niine, i guess puperty hit? All the usual girl stuff came, and my friends werent my friends. I was never cool, but i was happy unitl this!

But ignoring alot of crap, it got to year 10. Had a group of friends...my version of it is i guess different to how some saw it! I lost my group of friends, i was i guess the 'leader' unitl someone else wanted the spitlight! We hated eachother i guess.....we both wanted the same thing, and it jsut wast going to happen! i tried to leave school in year 9, and in year 10! in year 10, i got banned from going on a school trip, and got told to go to counciling!:-S I didnt go, and stuck with school. Made friends with i guess wat you could call the regets. This girl had stolen my world, Rebecca Elgar! she was my bestest frined, and she seemed to just go to this other girl! i got through schoool....and we all seemed to patch things up as you do. I had no fun, none in my last years, and in year 11 got asked to to stay on, politly ofcourse being a convent!

I went to Brooklands college, and bekki, and sarah went to Esher! I knew no body! i dont make friends easily, and i didnt! I went to class 30 minutes early , and just sat outside the room! It took me nearly a year to pluck up the courage to have lucnh in the caffeteria!!

I ended up failing my first year totally, but finding a love with computers! I went with computers, they didnt talk back, and i told them wat to do! spent my second year doing this...and wat i thought wat be cool, musci! turned out, i was crap at music, but really good with computers! i failed my second year pretyt much too! so spent three years at college! i hated thoose two years! i hurt my body to get through it, i stepped away from my family, and went into myself. i didnt want to talk to any body they just didnt understand me! in my last year, i was put in a class with all boys, my tutor did this for my cause she new i found girls too hard to get on with. I loved it! loved it so much, i found respect for myself! i will always remember the conversation i had with my dad on the phone when he said ' Didi, you sound happy, and i havent heard you sound happy for a long long time' I wasnt happy, but i was doing good! i got through college and scrapped into uni!

Yes, Davinia Goddard scrapped into Uni...I didnt get the grades i needed,but i got to Brookes! i Wanted to be close to my brother so he could watch me, but be on my own!

I think this is all to much for one journal entry, I have so much to say .... your never going to get me to shut up!